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To paraphrase Disney’s ‘Encanto’ – we don’t talk about death and dying. But, how do you want to go when you die, are you dying to plan?
There are 2 things in life that are certain – death and taxes – and we don’t like talking about either. But death is inevitable, it comes to us all at some point in time and we never know when. Instead of shying away from it, let’s embrace it and plan it ourselves rather than leaving it to loved ones coping with their own grief. Why don’t we think about how we want to go when we die? In this article I have raised my thoughts about why we should plan our own funerals.
My funerals
I have been lucky in the funerals I have had to plan. Except for one I’ve known mostly what they wanted, or they had in fact done some organising themselves.
There was one occasion though, with my father some 25 years ago. He died and we didn’t have a clue what he wanted. When we read his Will we found out he wanted to be buried in his home village miles from where he lived. It took us time to find the right contacts, talk to them, arrange the transfer from hospital to funeral director and ultimately have the funeral. All done without the internet and computers!
If we had known all this prior to his passing life would have been much simpler, less stressful, more organised.
What happens when we die?
However, I can hear you all asking – ‘well, what is there to organise, the funeral directors do it all.’ Well yes and no is the answer.
Yes they collect the deceased from either their home or hospital and hold them in their care. They help you choose the coffin, print the order of service, arrange the crematorium or the vicar, church and burial and bring your loved one to their funeral. They may even collect the ashes and hold them for you until collection. But they don’t choose the readings, the music or write a eulogy or decide where to have the wake.
An alternate way
So why not have these discussion with your loved one? Why not ask them ‘how do you want to go when you die – dying to plan?’ They may be ill, or know they’re dying and want to be involved in their own funeral? Let them plan it for and with you.
They can choose their own music, maybe more than the normal 3 tracks. Why not ask them to pick their favourite poem, a reading, a passage from a book. They can then ask a special someone to do the reading. Maybe they would like to tell you their life story for the eulogy, or even write it themselves. This way you know they are having the funeral they want. They know they have been part of the process and it takes pressure off the shoulders of those left behind. They are dying to plan.
Some people don’t want a standard funeral but don’t know what else could be on offer. Therefore here are some radical thoughts to consider – and ones it is unlikely you will hear from a funeral director.
Different ways, different spaces
If they were a regular pub goer with their own seat at the bar, what about having a celebration of their life in the pub garden with the coffin present? Follow this with a service at the church or the crematorium. Maybe a big party, or ‘do’ as it is often called, in their back garden? Follow it later that day or the next day with a private family service. Did they play cricket and want their send off to be at the cricket club? Great and then they leave their party with their family for a private service later. Everyone else continues celebrating their life.
How do you want to go when you die? You don’t need to always do the ‘normal’. Your loved one can have the send off they would like if the discussions have been had before they die. Or, when a death occurs unexpectedly you can do this type of planning afterwards.
So what can an independent celebrant bring to this party?
Well, we can help you think ‘outside the box’ when it comes to arranging a funeral or celebration of life, or internment of ashes. We are not confined by what is expected of us in the same way that funeral directors are. That’s because we are independent and not part of any big firm. Yes we involve ourselves and work with the funeral directors, but they don’t have the final say. With my help the funeral director, your family and I can work together, before and after death to ensure your loved one has their final journey their way.
If your loved one has done their ‘dying to plan’ then they and you may well have talked to a celebrant already. Your family will know them well and feel comfortable in moving forwards. Suggest to a funeral director that ‘such and such’ has been planned for and ‘so and so’ will be leading the day. Independent celebrants are here to help families as are funeral directors but we do it in slightly different ways.
Therefore, to bring us right back to where we started, we don’t talk about death enough. So let’s talk more about death and dying and what we want at the end of our days. How do you want to go when you die, are you dying to plan? Let’s hope it doesn’t involve the tax man either!!